Thursday, May 19, 2005

When you wake take out your pad and pen and your phone/ address book. Flick through the book until you find a person you no longer wish to be friends with. They might be someone you used to get on well with but who now makes you cringe. They might be someone you feel obliged to invite to parties but wish you weren't. They might be someone you used to find funny.

There’s always one.

If you can’t think of one then try harder. Look harder. They are in that book, somewhere.

Write their name down as many times as you can on a single page. Work as quickly as you can but try to make the words legible. If you run out of space continue writing over the existing names. Do this for 30 seconds. Look at what you have done, taking notice of any interesting patterns or configurations that might have resulted.

Ring that friend up. As soon as they answer, say the following. You may read this but it sounds best if you have memorised and internalised it. You need this to sound as if it is coming from your very soul.

It is.

Hi. (you may have to swap some inanities here. Swap them and push on)

No, you see, the reason I’m calling is that, well, I don’t know how ti say this really but.., no it doesn’t sound right just coming out with it like this, in fact this is going to sound just insane but…Oh God…Okay; the thing is, I think we should stop hanging out together. You see, this is going to sound, like, really fucked up – excuse the language but I just have to get this out – but I, I just don’t find you interesting anymore, in fact I’m not sure if I’ve ever really found you that enthralling and I woke up today and all day I’ve been rationalising my life, my work, my stuff, records, everything and I guess this is part of that in some way, do you understand? I mean, it seems silly just to go on like this doesn’t it? Me trying to avoid you the whole time, bitching behind your back. I mean, it’s just fucking schoolkids stuff isn’t it? I can’t do it anymore. Really. I can’t. You do understand?

If the phone gets hung up at any stage during this conversation then continue speaking into the phone regardless. If the phone does not get hung up then the rest of your conversation must be improvised.

Do not explain anything about this blog. Everything you say must be regarded as genuine. This person must understand how you really feel about them. If you can't feel hatred or disgust, fake it.

As you put the phone down think for a second about the use of the words ‘hanged’ and ‘hung’. Try to get them straight in your head.

Now sit down and try to imagine what your ex-friend is now doing. Try to trace their movements and facial expressions. Try to match their mood. Will they be worried? Upset? Angry? Perplexed?

On the piece of paper covered in their name, write whatever you think will be their primary emotion at this time in big letters, filling. Tomorrow you should send this anonymously to them.

Obtain a foreign language guidebook from somewhere. The more obscure the language the better but it doesn’t really matter. Spend a few minutes flicking through the book, saying out loud any words or phrases that appeal to you on an aesthetic level. Write them down in your pad, try to work out why some words look better than others on the page.

Using the book, learn one complete phrase off by heart. This should be a phrase that (in this language anyway) you have never said before. As soon as you have learned the phrase off by heart use it on the next person you see. Say:

(the phrase) No, sorry. I didn’t mean to…I’m learning a new language. It means (the phrase in English). Nonsense really. Don’t know why they bother…

Walk away. Don’t look back. Imagine that if you did look back you’d bee turned into a feather or a baseball bat.

Imagine what it’s like to be a baseball bat for 30 seconds then wipe it from your memory like a crust of jam.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

When this song is finished, walk the rest of the way in silence. Try to think of how the following story beginning would be continued. Use the things you see around you to help you decide what should happen next.

A week before the Village Halloween celebrations. Three men lie dead at McGready’s farm – long derelict - in a barn that has been burned to the ground. In the centre of the barn a huge Momunent stands. It takes the form of a War Monument but all the names of the people etched into its stone are people who live in the village and none of them are dead.

Think about this story for as long as it takes to get home. Sit on your doorstep for awhile before entering the house. Try not to think of anything.

(Note: If anyone approaches you during this walk your main task is to work into the conversation that the reason you're out here in the middle of the night walking is that you're about to undergo major surgery. Be specific. They should go away sure that the next time you see them you'll be one kidney less. If you see no one then this conversation should take place with a stranger in the morning. The renal details should be worked seamlessly into the conversation, an accidental reveal, a derailed slice of discourse that sets the scene for every subsequent meeting.You task is to make this person understand but they should not go away feeling sorry for you. You should prove to be strong in the face of adversity and they should go away inspired.)

Go into your house and creep upstairs. Go back to your bedroom, take off your clothes and get back into your bed. Set the alarm for 8 o clock.

As you go to sleep you should be listening to PGR - The Chemical Bride. Track it down.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

When you’ve finished writing the poem, start walking again. Choose a straight line and start walking. You should not deviate from this line until you are absolutely forced to. If a wall appears in your way, try to climb it. At this stage you should not attempt to knock on anyone’s door.

Let people sleep. They are not interested in you yet.

You should walk in silence. As you walk, imagine that you are a racist. Try to think how a racist would think. Try to get in their minds, work out why they might think like that. Do this for 5 minutes and then try and imagine that you are not a racist. Work out why you are not. Do this for 5 minutes.

Consider whether or not it is okay for a black person to wear a t-shirt with NIGGERS GO HOME written on it.

Work out the rights and wrongs of this. If you decide it’s okay make a pact with yourself to go into business selling these t-shirts.

You have no obligation to keep this pact but try and believe that this will happen even if it’s for just a second or two.

When the 15 minutes is up, stop. Look around you. Try and find a spot you have never sat in and sit down. Look at this place carefully, as if you were trying to memorise it. If there’s grass, notice how long it is, if there’s a wall, notice the texture. Imagine a painting of yourself made out of these substances. Imagine how your face would look in concrete or brick or grass.

Wait here for 5 minutes. Practice deep breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Do this all the time you are waiting.

Now walk until you find a large patch of grass. This can be a field or a garden or a park. This is your main task for tonight and it may take a while. You need to collect clumps or grass – no earth, no dirt, nothing riddled – and form them into Moon Nests.

Moon Nests are where Moonbirds roost. Moonbirds take the moon into the sky and only come down in the mystery time between night and day. Moon Nests take the form of circular mounds. Each moon nest should be approximately 10 inches in diameter and 2 or 3 inches tall. You need to make 5 of these.

Remember: no earth.

Find somewhere suitable for them. They need to be clearly seen and you need to be able to label them. They should be on the pavement or a wall or a drain cover. You should write next to them:

Moon Nests. Please Do Not Disturb.

When you are done you should make your way home. It’s time to play the next song.

Coil – Christmas is now drawing near at hand

Monday, May 16, 2005

Stand with your arms raised like Christ on the cross. Keep still. Close your eyes. Try to imagine the birth of Christ. Think of the smells and the sighs, people bustling in, animal breath in the air. Try to imagine Christ’s first howling. Try to imagine what it must have been like to hear the Lord crying and Mary helpless and suffocated, waiting for Joseph to get in from the all-night Union meeting (imagine the ruddiness already appearing at the edges of his face).

Stay like this for 1 minute. Do not open your eyes. If someone questions your behaviour then simply ignore them: for these times they cannot exist in anything other than imagination.

You can count the seconds as you go but it’s better to try and learn time. This takes practice but will be worth it in the end. Trust me. Practice at predicting how long 1 minute, 10 minutes and 5 minutes are.

When you are done look around. While you are looking, try out as many facial expressions as you can; move your face from very happy through to very sad. Do this for no more than 50 seconds and then move on.

Time for the next song: John Cale – Heartbreak Hotel.

Keep walking for the duration of the song. This time, count every second in your head. Try to picture an animal for every second. Try to be clear which animal corresponds with each number. Clearly visualise what the animal looks like. When you are sure you have run out of animals switch to vegetables and then fruit.

There should be no unaccompanied number.

As soon as the song finishes stop walking. Dead. Spin around and mouth a silent scream. Try to imagine that howling all over again but make no sound.

Take out your pen and look around you for a suitable writing surface; a door, a window, the pavement, a wall. It doesn’t matter. Choose the place where you feel the least damage will be done.

Write this poem as neatly as you can. It should not be written for others so use only your normal writing. If your sprawl is intelligible only to you then so be it.

It’s called Candy and it’s by a friend of mine called Birch.


Watch the badgers,
Mother used to say,
They never let go.
Cause wedges of sound,
That make children cry
And suck the marrow from your bones.

Watch the geese,
Said my Father,
Since the spit’ll take yer home
To drown your sorrows
Split hairs,
And break the enzymes from your food

Watch the pigs
My brother used to say,
Since the boars out east
Will wreck your legs,
Leave hairs on the pillow
And won’t take the stabbing’s lightly

Mind your mouth,
Our Granny used to say,
There’s nothing worse than language
That could fill a trough.
We’ll soap your mouth and brush your eyes
So shittin’ well pass the soap.

There is no reason why the poem needs to be in this format. The words are not sacred; no words are.

Birch doesn’t like to think of himself as linear even though he’s straight as a die.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Collect your things; check you have everything. Check again.

Close your door on the way out, even if you normally have it open. Strip your bed of duvet and sheets and leave 3 pieces of fruit on the bed.

Pick your own. Tell yourself that the fruit are symbolic of something that is important to you.

Block out any thoughts that might be telling you this is just to creep someone out.

If there is someone else living in your house, listen at their door. Listen to their breathing and copy it’s rhythm with your own. Do this for 1 minute. If they cough, cough too. If they moan, try to copy the sound.

If you live alone, listen to your own breathing for the same length of time.

As you walk out of the house you should press play on the 1st CD: Sigur Ros – agaetis byrjun. Play tracks 8 and 9 while you are walking. You may walk in any direction but you should not stop walking until the end of track 9.

While you are walking think up the plotline for a movie beginning with this scene. Try to picture clearly what the characters look like and try to imagine how long each scene should last, what the camera angle should be, how the lighting should be set etc.


A man runs into a farmhouse kitchen. His family are sitting around the table. They look startled. The man stands, leaning against the doorjamb and breathing heavily. There is a diagonal splash of blood, shoulder to waist, on his shirt. This is Gareth and he is 41. Mary, his wife, also in her early forties looks concerned. She busies herself, almost manic, collecting up the children’s cereal bowls, dropping one. Around the table are Jake, 7, Mark 15 and Daisy 4.

It’s Bessie. They’ve hanged our horse.

I don’t understand. Bessie…she’s….there’s not enough time…

She’s stinking in horse gore. Still alive. Christ…

Gareth looks at Mark, who gets up, ready for action but unsure of what he should do.

They are so early this year. I thought…

Just help me get her down.

Mark and Gareth rush out of the room. Mary stands at the doorway looking after them. The two younger children look sad and afraid.

Who would hang a horse?

Badness. The Dark is rising.

You don’t believe that.

No, Jake. No, I don’t.

This should take approximately 16 minutes. Press stop and stop walking. Appreciate the change in sound.

Keep still. You should not be moving. Listen.

Set the alarm for 3 a.m. As soon as you open your eyes start making the first moves to get out of bed. Do not delay, try and make this as smooth as possible. Preferably, you should practice for at least a week before so that you wake up without any assistance.

The alarm should never go off but on the day set it anyway.

Say to yourself: ‘This is the time when my brain feels most creative. This is a time when things might happen.” Really believe it for two or three beats and then forget about it, dismiss it and smile about it.

It’s probably hippy guff and you know it.

Your clothes should be ready. As you get dressed accept that your bodily rhythms should sometimes be obeyed and sometimes concussed beyond belief.

Put on some warm clothes. You don’t want to catch a chill.

Log on to the internet. You need to find a lesbian chat room. If you are a lesbian then find something else. You may need to use your imagination. A good example is FantasyCastle. You must stay online for one hour.

Your task this morning is to make someone feel better about themselves.

The sweeter the site looks, the better. Some of the hardcore ones will use language you won’t understand. The nicer ones are pink. They are mostly full of bi-curious straight girls looking for a way to bypass their ambivalence. You should choose a name that’s unusual, perhaps a little masculine – don’t push this, you’ll get booted from the site– something mythological is best, the obscurer the better. Nice girls are attracted by nice names. Ariel is a good one – man’s name, girlish.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

Be nice. Be about 23. Be confident.

Be pure, be vigilant, behave

Most sites allow you to privately message – approach someone by telling them that have a nice name. If someone asks you for ASL they mean your age, sex and location. Wherever you are in the world say you live in Glastonbury, England. People all over the world feel safe with Brits. They aren’t noted for their sexual aggression but have a tendency towards deviance. In these rooms these things can be crucial.

Remember it’s the little things that count. Take care not to sound aggressive or desperate. You want to give the impression you are an intelligent, sexual being.

ASL means age sex location but don’t request it like that. Be subtle…ask them to describe themselves, say you’re a very visual girl, smile a lot. Describe actions by putting them in asterisks.

Tell me about yourself. I’m a very visual girl *s*

*walking across the room, smiling, standing behind you, running my nails down your spine, resting on the top of your ass, whispering* Hi…

Try something subtle first, a smile, a walk across the room, brushing your hand across their face, down their side. Everything should be lighter than light…

*brushing lightly down your side, just barely touching your breast, feeling you shiver, smiling, letting my nails run softly across your ass, snaking around your hips…*

Smile a lot - *S*. Don’t Laugh Out Loud - *LOL* - too much. Think about reality…how much do you actually laugh out loud? How mysterious can you be when you’re snorting away like an animal?

If the site supports picture posts have a few ready – they should be subtle, artistic, ambiguous. Black and white works well…Beautiful girls, naked and seen from the back, their hands tied or restricted in some way. Give the impression of danger and exploration without intimidating your audience.

Give people a little cruelty. This is all scene and setting. The people in these chat rooms can have normality anytime; they are sucked dry by it; they don’t want to feel contaminated in their headspace. They want to feel they’re pushing open a new world.

Remember: this is a replacement for a life; make it worth living.

Once you’re private messaging, ask them if they’re alone. Tell them your girlfriends asleep upstairs. Tell them sometimes your girlfriend and you act out some of the things you imagine in the chat room. Tell them you love cybering together, especially when you swap personal pictures.

Before you send a personal picture, describe yourself….say you’re very femme, say you’re almost entirely lesbian – give the impression you have the odd lapse.

I’m a 23 year old mostly lez (say 95%) girl from England; tallish (5’8), slim with long dark hair and blue-grey eyes, looking for someone nice femme girls to play with…

The lapses make them feel you must be attractive enough for men to find attractive.

Find a picture of a beautiful girlfriend, try and get one where she’s looking directly into the camera. Post this and say it’s you – describe your girlfriend as the opposite of you. If your picture’s blonde, then your gf should be brunette. Say you won’t post any pics of your gf because she hasn’t given her permission.

This makes you trustworthy. This gives you the competive edge.

The Bi-curious like experimentation. The vast majority are submissive so be dominant. You’ll soon pick up how badly they can be treated.

Take them to a basement, tie them up – be gentle, unless you’re asked not to be – make them feel like you are in total control. They are submissive, it’s unlikely you can go too far if you go slowly enough.

Cut them, brand them with your initials, tie them up in complex arrays of rope and wire and pulley systems. Make them see themselves through your eyes.

If they orgasm and tell you, tell them you have too. Don’t let anyone feel isolated and alone. Mention – blush as you do this, maybe giggle nervously – that they actually made you squirt as you orgasmed. Girls like to talk about this; it doesn’t happen to them that often and you’ll make the person feel special. Leading up to and post-orgasm, make a few spelling mistakes

*Goddddddd…that wasreallly…I actually squirted then…hvent in agesm…mmmmmmmmmmm;;*

Have some fun with this for an hour. At 4 a.m. it’s time to leave the house. Don’t log out the chat room, just close it down and disappear.