Thursday, May 19, 2005

When you wake take out your pad and pen and your phone/ address book. Flick through the book until you find a person you no longer wish to be friends with. They might be someone you used to get on well with but who now makes you cringe. They might be someone you feel obliged to invite to parties but wish you weren't. They might be someone you used to find funny.

There’s always one.

If you can’t think of one then try harder. Look harder. They are in that book, somewhere.

Write their name down as many times as you can on a single page. Work as quickly as you can but try to make the words legible. If you run out of space continue writing over the existing names. Do this for 30 seconds. Look at what you have done, taking notice of any interesting patterns or configurations that might have resulted.

Ring that friend up. As soon as they answer, say the following. You may read this but it sounds best if you have memorised and internalised it. You need this to sound as if it is coming from your very soul.

It is.

Hi. (you may have to swap some inanities here. Swap them and push on)

No, you see, the reason I’m calling is that, well, I don’t know how ti say this really but.., no it doesn’t sound right just coming out with it like this, in fact this is going to sound just insane but…Oh God…Okay; the thing is, I think we should stop hanging out together. You see, this is going to sound, like, really fucked up – excuse the language but I just have to get this out – but I, I just don’t find you interesting anymore, in fact I’m not sure if I’ve ever really found you that enthralling and I woke up today and all day I’ve been rationalising my life, my work, my stuff, records, everything and I guess this is part of that in some way, do you understand? I mean, it seems silly just to go on like this doesn’t it? Me trying to avoid you the whole time, bitching behind your back. I mean, it’s just fucking schoolkids stuff isn’t it? I can’t do it anymore. Really. I can’t. You do understand?

If the phone gets hung up at any stage during this conversation then continue speaking into the phone regardless. If the phone does not get hung up then the rest of your conversation must be improvised.

Do not explain anything about this blog. Everything you say must be regarded as genuine. This person must understand how you really feel about them. If you can't feel hatred or disgust, fake it.

As you put the phone down think for a second about the use of the words ‘hanged’ and ‘hung’. Try to get them straight in your head.

Now sit down and try to imagine what your ex-friend is now doing. Try to trace their movements and facial expressions. Try to match their mood. Will they be worried? Upset? Angry? Perplexed?

On the piece of paper covered in their name, write whatever you think will be their primary emotion at this time in big letters, filling. Tomorrow you should send this anonymously to them.

Obtain a foreign language guidebook from somewhere. The more obscure the language the better but it doesn’t really matter. Spend a few minutes flicking through the book, saying out loud any words or phrases that appeal to you on an aesthetic level. Write them down in your pad, try to work out why some words look better than others on the page.

Using the book, learn one complete phrase off by heart. This should be a phrase that (in this language anyway) you have never said before. As soon as you have learned the phrase off by heart use it on the next person you see. Say:

(the phrase) No, sorry. I didn’t mean to…I’m learning a new language. It means (the phrase in English). Nonsense really. Don’t know why they bother…

Walk away. Don’t look back. Imagine that if you did look back you’d bee turned into a feather or a baseball bat.

Imagine what it’s like to be a baseball bat for 30 seconds then wipe it from your memory like a crust of jam.


At 9:42 AM, Blogger GooG said...

thanks for the advice

At 1:12 AM, Blogger Mr Dave said...

if i ever wanted to drive friends away it might come in handy....although i wouldnt ever do that

At 9:02 PM, Blogger ~*Stephanie*~ said...

Very interesting mind you have..Maybe I will try that sometime when i am angry with a friend..

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"forward,|ooking statements." forward,|ooking statements are based on expectations,
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